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Confirmed: 31 Women Contract Lesbianism after Female-Only Viewing of Wonder Woman 3D

The CDC has confirmed 31 new cases of lesbianism in Texas after an Austin area theater aired Wonder Woman in 3D.

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[adinserter block=”3″]Eyewitness reports confirm details of how the movie instantly transported theater guests to a fantasy island filled of buxom copper thigh-ed Amazon women, all engaged in confusing battles of flailed limbs and exhausted tennis grunts that left bodies sweaty, trembling and prone for classic lesbian exhibitionism on Themyscira’s exotic beaches.

Ushers at the local theaters immediately called authorities as women in the crowd fell into some sort of primal mating rage, their pupils ‘dilating with passion, their heads wildly bucking back as they sucked estrogen-soaked air through clenched teeth and rubbing their chests as they eyed other women in the crowd.’

A male usher was severely injured after asking several women to stop removing their clothing and to go back to their seats.  They allegedly ‘had an enraged look of fiery passion in the eyes, pinning him down and doing all sorts of immoral things to his body.’

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Over 50 acts of lesbianism were reported during the movie’s opening scene:  clench teeth panting, intense eye contact with flirty flicks of the tongue and exchanges of cerebral, knowing looks as thick-framed eye glasses were removed. First responders report pandemonium and the scent of spent estrogen awaited them on arrival.  Women were clawing each other’s clothing off, with those brainwashed by the movie being between 19 and 83-years old.

Scientists working on behalf the Christian Defense League of Texas confirm that the supple displays of lesbianism in 3D engage a primal portion of the female brain, located between the brain stem and the cerebellum.  MRI technique reveals that the female brain cannot distinguish between the movie and ancient times when women had to be dominant to protect their family units from hordes of other wandering females looking to attract their husbands.

The theory goes that the female body would engage in aggressive lesbianism to exhaust weaker women, so they would have no energy to tempt and reproduce with the most fit males, with whom they would subdue and exhaust with writhing submission like they did the male theater usher.

By the time the ample sun-kissed bosoms of Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman entered the 3D screen, with her exotic accent and constant striking of muscle-tensed poses, even older women of the crowd had the ‘strength of four or five men as they wildly leaped over seats’ to have their fill of those they found attractive and uninitiated.  Scientists report that 2 out of five women lack the SRY-coding region in the brain that allows the movie to transform their brain to its primitive default state.

The Christian Defense League of Texas is warning women to not attend the Wonder Woman movie without a man and if they do, to not wear 3D glasses and beware that they may be subdued by activated lesbianism while in theater.  Husbands and boyfriends are warned that their wives may engage in a secret lesbian experience that she may not recall afterward, so prevention is best.  Either forbid them from buying a 3d Wonder Woman movie ticket and going to see the movie, or if they are defiant or curious, install a GPS-app on their phones that will alert you if they get close to a theater that is hosing an all-women showing of the movie.

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Email the author: marionuncmeier@onlyinamerican.com to share your story of how Wonder Woman 3D caused lesbianism in your life or other questions.

What do you think?

Written by Marion Uncmeier

Marion Uncmeier is a New-York based media personality and host of several adult educational programs.

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  1. My daughter is home from college for the summer and went to see this with her friends. Tomorrow I’m going to go ahead and confront her and see just how bad the damage is. SOmething in my gut said not to trust this DC comics as I’ve heard about how they used Batman to spread homosexuality and now I can see my gut instinct was well warranted.

    • I saw it with my mom. It was really good. She enjoyed it too. And as far as batman thing I don’t get where or who u have heard that from. But that is ridiculous just saying. A movie doesn’t turn you. Your choices and actions do.

    • Dominic, I hate to be the one to tell you. Your daughter is matriculating with some of those girls. Just keep her out of theater classes or she may become a thespian.

    • Oh ,Look another backwards thinking idiot.. Dominic, do you think of comic books that same way that they did in the 50s?….
      Back then they thought that homosexual men were child molestors( little boys)..or is there something that you’d like to share with us?

  2. Well, Ben Affleck as Batman made me kind of gay. As a straight guy, even I’d do anything he wanted, no limits. WTF DC?

  3. I hate to break it to those being very self righteous about the humour of this… but this isn’t just satire. No more than someone who pushes someone else’s buttons and then says “I’m only joking”… the word is facetious. And just because you don’t see the concern they feel they do behind the possible specialization of this doesn’t mean you are right. The respectful thing is just to go enjoy the movie for yourself and stop being a douche.

  4. What? Is this article serious? Is homosexuality considered as a disease in the Holy Christian Terrorist Republic of Texas?

  5. Hey it could be worse…the chyx were attacking the male usher and “doing immoral things to his body.” I know what conservatives mean by that, and it ain’t violence.

  6. I never realized that “lesbianism” was so contagious!
    My next question is, can men catch it? Cause that would explain a lot!

  7. I hope this is satire. Otherwise it’s so completely ridiculous that I don’t even know what to say, except if you’re buying this idiocy you are clearly an uneducated, gullible moron.

  8. DC/WB started it with Man of Steel – my cousin saw it and started dating a guy named George Christopher, then my wife and I saw Suicide Squad for the first time – then we divorced and she started dating a woman named Kanako Otsuji and I a dude from East Los Angeles named Pedro DePaca.

    We remained friends and on a ‘double-date’ saw it for a second time and left our new significant others and joined a coven here in Las Vegas then after the second shabbat we observed we saw Suicide Squad for the third time and joined Cirque du Soleil’s show ‘Love’ at the Mirage Hotel and Casino.

    On a ‘dark’ day we saw it for the fourth and last time and took up marathon running but the good news is we both lost 150 lbs. since then.

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