With only one day left in the month of July, the CDC is reporting hundreds of men have been hospitalized after contracting homosexuality after being shot in the neck with weaponized toothpicks developed by scientists in the gay community.
The gay community’s mastery of chemical sciences and mixed beverages is well known, and several months ago the first reports surfaced that gays decided pooled their vast wealth and commissioned development of a mini-crossbow that could fire a toothpick laced with homosexual chemtrail at a velocity great enough to pierce human skin at a distance of over 100 yards.
Towns in Texas were among the first targeted by the new weapon, with families confirming that moral men were suddenly being caught in the throws of unexpected homosexuality. One man, a prominent state Congress member in Texas, discussed the hardships he faced after being shot with the chemtrail toothpick.
“I was on vacation in Cabo San Lucas to take a break before the next Congressional session. All was fine until I remember a sharp, pinching sensation in the neck and my mouth grimacing. The next thing I know there were pictures of me and a glistening local in the throws of homosexuality circulating on the Internet, the scandal threatening to ruin my political career. The gays clearly shot me with one of these homosexual toothpicks and tried to ruin me.”
The Congressional leader’s story matches that of hundreds of other men around the United States. The Christian Defense League of Texas is warning families to continue to use the buddy system this summer and to consider use of mesh turtlenecks and sequined ascots to provide a thicker yet comfortable armor about the neck when vacationing alone, swimming at a secluded pool and especially if taking an evening jog.
Moles within the homosexual community are reporting that a highly skilled troop of gay men secretly spent the last month training at various Renaissance festival groups, an excuse to don satin stockings and perfumed frilled shirts as they get hands-on training in use of Medieval weaponry, especially that with crossbows. They then applied their training to the mini crossbows and have since been touring across America, being enlisted by gays who want certain men shot with these toothpricks. If one comes across this troop who is referring to itself as ‘The Merry Marauders’, the advice is to run away and if a pinch is felt in the neck, immediately call for emergency services. If one wakes up groggy and secluded, covered in the musks of homosexuality, it can be explained to loved ones that these attacks are on the rise and causal factor for all the unprecedented homosexuality falling into the lives of normal men.